Tag Archives: marriage

Double-Minded: Christian Culture’s Diametrically-Opposed Views of Marriage and Singleness

Buckle up, True Believers. It’s about to get real!

I am a Christian. In fact, as a child I did everything in a church except be born there. While I love the Bible and its theology and doctrine, Christian culture annoys me. Trust me when I say there are huge differences. It’s one of many reasons why I love The Babylon Bee: Christian culture is a frequent target of their satire. As it should be.

Image taken from www.trumpet-call.org.

While there are many problems with the Christian subculture (which I will refer to as “the church” from here on), one of the most egregious, in my opinion, is that it is double-minded when it comes to marriage and singleness. To put it succinctly, if you’re already married, it sings the praises of marriage and family, but if you’re single, it does little or nothing to help you get married and tells you singleness is superior to marriage.

I’m sorry, church, but you can’t have it both ways.

Go to any church and you’ll see how it’s family-centric. There are programs for parents, spouses, kids, and teens. Some offer programs for college students and recent graduates, but they seem to assume that everyone gets married by their mid-20s—if not sooner—so little is offered for those who aren’t. There are frequent sermon series on how to have a good marriage or be better parents. It’s hard to not go a week without hearing the theology of marriage; how it’s an earthly echo of Jesus Christ and his “bride,” the Church. (This is something that isn’t meant to be taken literally, by the way). In other words, most of the Christian subculture is centered on marriage and family.

Just don’t expect it to help you get married, like I said.

When it comes to taking steps toward marriage, in my experience, the church is mostly famine and little feast. Generally it seems to think relationships happen by osmosis. It rarely facilitates opportunities for young people—who frequently express their desire to be married—to meet each other and fall in love. Yet in the rare instances when they speak on the issue, they say the church is the best place to meet someone special. All that “unequally yoked” stuff, right? But there are hardly any programs for singles beyond college. And don’t even think about being single after age 30! You’ll be a misfit among misfits. The church won’t have any idea what to do with you. The rare times anyone in the church does try to help singles get to marriage, they’re obnoxiously overzealous or have nothing to offer but empty platitudes.

But then there’s the insult added to singles’ injuries.

The church’s praise of marriage ceases with singles. No longer is it this wonderful, covenantal portrait of Christ’s love. No, it’s a distraction. Instead of Ephesians 5, singles get 1 Corinthians 7. They’re told that marriage will narrow their scope, distract them from serving God, and even make them preoccupied with “earthly” things (there is no marriage in Heaven, after all). The only benefit they might mention is it can help curtail sexual sin, and even that seems like a concession they wish they didn’t have to make. In other words, marriage is a detriment to the single’s faith. This implicitly condemns the institution of marriage, ignoring the fact that it was created by God before Adam and Eve sinned. It wasn’t a byproduct of the Fall that God had roll with. This mindset also ignores the personal and societal benefits of marriage, many of which are being missed because of the culture of protracted singleness (to which the church has contributed some, but that’s a blog for another day).

What this does to Christian singles is it leaves them silently shamed. They desire marriage, but they’re told it’s a detriment to their faith and potential. If it’s a hindrance, why would they desire it? Should they? Why would Christ allow them to desire something that would distract them from serving Him? Yet the church tells the married majority that matrimony is sacred and powerful and must be protected. Why do you think Christian churches are always the ones fighting for the definition of marriage being “one man and one woman”? The irony is they’re just as likely to tell singles it isn’t worth it. Maybe for the sake of consistency they should tell married couples to all get divorced so they can have “undistracted service” for Christ. Oh wait, God says He hates divorce, so they hate divorce.

This is a catch-22 full of knots that the church keeps chewing in the mouth from which is talks out of both sides.

Singles aren’t second-class citizens nor are they inherently superior because they’re unmarried. Their desire for marriage is a good thing. It should be respected, nurtured, and encouraged. The pain they feel from this unfulfilled desire should be met with compassion and understanding and not lectures on contentment and 1 Corinthians 7. Doing that is no different than telling someone whose grandmother has died that he shouldn’t mourn because she’s “in a better place.” This is a pain most singles don’t just “get over.” To be alone (and rejected) when you desire a spouse is a form of widowhood. The Bible frequently commands Christians to care for widows.

What the church needs is consistency. Celebrate marriage with everyone. Help singles maximize their lives where they are and don’t shame them for desiring a spouse. For those rare few who’ve been called to singleness, give them opportunities not afforded to married people. Modes of service don’t decrease with marriage—they just change.

Marriage is hard, but so is singleness. Depending on the person, one or the other will be more difficult. Someone should never be forced into either one if God didn’t create them to be that way. It’s a simple concept. But the church has trouble grasping such things.

Are you a single who’s been hurt by these conflicting mindsets? How so? What do you think can be done to remedy these problems?

What ‘Pacific Rim’ Can Teach About Marriage

You probably read this blog’s title and wondered what planet I was from (FYI: it may or may not be Gallifrey). “What can a monster movie tell us about marriage?” you ask.

A surprising amount.

First, if you haven’t seen the film, do so! It’s the most fun you’ll have the theatre this summer.

A poster for 'Pacific Rim.' Directed by Guillermo del Toro.
A poster for ‘Pacific Rim.’ Directed by Guillermo del Toro.

Now, the movie is set in the near future, where a dimensional rift opens at the bottom of the ocean and gigantic creatures called “Kaiju” emerge and attack cities. Humanity constructs towering robots called Jaegers to combat the beasts. These machines are too massive and complex for one pilot to drive, so they are built to be operated by two. These pilots link their minds using a neural interface, each controlling one-half of the Jaeger. It’s stated that “the stronger the bond, the better you fight.” These pilots must already have strong relational ties or build a rapport in order to sync up and operate their machines.

As the film progressed, I couldn’t help but see how similar to marriage this was (at least in the biblical/Christian sense). Two people, wholly separate, “become one” through a unique bond. Their memories—the essence of who they are—mingle in order to perform a great task. Only once they are bonded are they able to do this. It is a relationship unlike any other, a grand and beautiful mystery (Prov. 30:18-19). One pilot can’t operate the Jaeger alone, unless he is exceptionally gifted, and even then, he’s under deadly strain. Likewise, man was not meant to be alone (Gen. 2:18). A marriage can’t work without transparency or mutual submission (Eph. 5:21). As soon as one person decides to run the whole show himself, it all falls apart. Only when both the husband and wife work together can they accomplish the tasks God has set before them—only then can they “face (and slay) the monsters that are at [their] door.”

But it goes further than that.

Raleigh (right) and Mako (left) piloting their Jaeger.
Raleigh (left) and Mako (right) piloting their Jaeger.

The movie focuses on Raleigh Becket, one of the Jaeger pilots. Early on, his brother/co-pilot dies fighting a Kaiju. Becket quits the Jaeger program until five years later when his CO recruits him again for a crazy plan that may save the Earth from the Kaiju. But in order to do that, Raleigh will need a new co-pilot. Enter Mako Mori, a Japanese technician who aspires to be a Jaeger pilot. Unfortunately, her inexperience coupled with her vindictive rage against the Kaiju for the death of her family hinder her potential as a pilot. She gets lost in her memories as she interfaces with Raleigh, and he must pull her out of them. In battle, Raleigh leads. He gives her commands about which weapons to use and where to attack, and she defers to his leadership. This leads to a subtle romance that, in the end, saves the world.

In marriage, the husband is the head of the household (Eph. 5:23). The wife is to defer to his leadership (Eph. 5:22). Yet, at the same time, the husband and wife are partners. Raleigh didn’t lord anything over Mako. He was simply the more experienced of the two of them, so he helped direct her attacks during a battle, though she was quite talented. The wife is the husband’s “help meet” (Gen. 2:18 KJV), or ezer kenegdo in the original Hebrew, which means “lifesaver.” She comes along and complements the husband, helping him fulfill the calling on both their lives. This is what Mako does for Raleigh. He was already a great pilot, but he needed a partner in order to operate his Jaeger and fight the Kaiju. Without her, he couldn’t do that.

I bet you didn’t expect a big-budget homage film to the low-budget B-grade monster flicks of yesteryear to be a poignant illustration of marriage.

Never underestimate the power of story, True Believers!

All I can say now is I look forward to finding an amazing woman to fight monsters with.

An Open Letter to My Future Wife

Dear Beloved,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? My apologies. I’ve had a tumultuous time wrestling with doubts about whether or not I’ll ever find you. Or rather, if God will ever lead us to each other. You know I go through times like that. Some are short, some not-so-short. But when I throw off the dead weight, I realize longing for you is part of how God wired me. To bury that would be to deny part of who I am. I must believe I’m not meant to be alone.

This letter is different. It is being shared on the Internet for friends and family to read. However, it will be the first and only time I do such a thing. Lovers are entitled to their secrets. Some people may read this and call me desperate, naïve, unmanly, or something worse. They may lecture me on “trusting God for a spouse” or “not looking” or a myriad of other things (I’ve heard them all). Let them. They can judge me, label me, and/or condemn me. I know where I stand with you, and I know where I stand with God. Their opinions can’t and won’t change that.

The mystery of who you may be both excites and pains me. Maybe I’ve not met you yet. Maybe you’re reading this letter right now on one of the sites I’ve posted it. Maybe we’re friends right now but love has yet to blossom. In which case, how did we meet? How will that love form? I hope and pray it’s a great story. While I still mock bad (or sappy) romance stories in fiction, I love it when they’re done well. I’m not foolish enough to think our story will be a romantic comedy or a fairy tale (though if it even remotely resembles “The Princess Bride”, I’ll be happy), I still want a love story that we’ll enjoy recounting to our kids and grandkids until we’re old and gray. A story that will amuse and encourage everyone who hears it. In other words, a story crafted by the Author of romance Himself. I hope that is your prayer, too.

Life should be an adventure. I’m working hard to add more adventure to my own. Not just a fun adventure, but an adventure with danger and high stakes; where I’m doing great things for God’s glory. That’s the sort of life I want to invite to join me on. When God said man shouldn’t be alone and made a “help-mate” (or in Hebrew, “ezer kenegdo,” which means “lifesaver”) for him, it was to join the man on the great work He had commissioned him to do. So, I hope you’re adventurous. Like Indiana Jones, I tend to get in over my head sometimes. I’ll need a partner who can help me get through it. I promise it’ll be exciting.

While I can promise an exciting marriage, but I can’t promise a wealthy one. We live in uncertain financial times and I studied to work in a field that doesn’t guarantee oodles of money. I’ve been hurt by a woman who found more security in a man’s money than in his love. It’s often left me wondering if I was too poor to marry. But I know God values wisdom above wealth, so I trust you do, too. A man who is rich but unwise is a terrible husband. “Better a little with the fear of the LORD than great wealth with turmoil” (Prov. 15:16). No matter what financial difficulties assail us, I know we’ll get through them together.

Though you may not know it, I’ve failed you. I’ve failed you in word, deed, and thought. And I know I’ll do the same when we’re together, though I won’t want to. This agonizes me. You deserve nothing less than a man who’s perfect. Then I tell myself, “No. She deserves a man who’s perfect for her.” I want to be this man for you. But when I am less than perfect, I pray you will forgive me. Loving you as Christ loves the church is a high ideal that I will spend the rest of my life trying to attain, and I will misstep along the way. May you love me regardless of my mistakes.

So, Beloved, whether we’ve met yet or not, pray for me as I pray for you. Don’t be afraid to voice your loneliness or your longing for me. Let the haters hate. Find friends and family who will encourage you to be even more of the woman of God I know you are as you wait. May God grant you patience now (you’ll need it to handle me). 😉

May we soon come together to serve God more than we ever could have apart.

Your (Future) Husband,
Nate