Tag Archives: comedy

Books, Blog

Another NEW BOOK: ‘Ninjas and Talking Trees’

I’m on a roll! (That was the correct “roll,” right?)

Actually, I just wanted to get another new book ready for Gen-Con 2015. Plus, this one has been sitting in my computer for a long time and needed to get into print.

So, without further ado, I present Ninjas and Talking Trees, which is book one of The (Mis)Adventures of George Francis.

Cover art by Anthony Gangemi.
Cover art by Anthony Gangemi.

George Francis is a normal accountant in Fort Wayne, Indiana, who has it all: a disciplined routine, a great job, and a hot girlfriend named Destiny. Well, there are his uber-nerd college buddies, but they’re mostly harmless…until they met his Destiny. She dumps George immediately. They invite a heartbroken George to join them at a renaissance faire to make it up to him. But after entering a port-a-potty to soothe his aching stomach, George is transported to the world of Loconia and chased by ninjas.

Soon George meets Sensei, a Talking Tree who was once a samurai. He insists George is the “Hero of Legend,” and it’s his new destiny to liberate Loconia from the eccentric tyrant Marcus the Morally-Dubious in order to return home. George must survive Sensei’s grueling training (which includes dueling a samurai banzai tree) and then rescue Princess Pansy/Roze, who’s been cursed with a split personality—one good, one evil—that switches whenever someone snaps his fingers. To complicate matters, the good one is in love with George and the evil one plans to marry Marcus.

But George isn’t alone. He recruits Loconia’s bravest and finest to battle Marcus’ Legions of Terror: an unknowingly hapless pretty boy; an inarticulate Barbarian carrying a well-spoken ax; and a redneck wizard whose spells work better when he’s drunk.

Oh snap!

Will George’s sanity survive? Will he become the Hero of Legend? Will you stop reading this back cover and open the book to find out? (Just don’t skip to the end, you cheater!)

This book has an origin that’s just as humorous. During my last semester at Taylor University Fort Wayne, I took a class on C.S. Lewis and George McDonald that was taught by Dr. Pam Jordan-Long. One of the books we read was Phantastes by McDonald. A classmate told me before class that he thought it was a bit slow in middle and joked that it would’ve been better if ninjas were in it. But he didn’t stop there—he said that in class, too! Since Phantastes featured talking trees, we concluded as a class that all good stories must include ninjas and talking trees. It quickly became a prominent inside joke in the class for the rest of the semester. Even the normally serious Dr. Jordan-Long enjoyed it so much she put it on the final exam.

I decided then that since I couldn’t find any stories that featured both, I would write one myself. Since I’d just written Pandora’s Box, I decided I would do something completely different to avoid being pigeonholed as a writer, so I decided to write a fantasy/comedy. As the years went on, I collected many ideas for the book. Too many, in fact, for one book, which is why I’ve decided to make I a series. Essentially, it’s become a repository for my eccentric, absurdist sense of humor. You’ll see shades of Monty Python, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and The Princess Bride, among other things, in it.

There’s more I could say about the book, but I’ll save that for another blog. This one’s long enough as it is.

Get your paperback copy of Ninjas and Talking Trees today on Amazon for $14.99! (EBook coming soon!)

Short Stories, Comedy

‘Pizza and a Psychic’ by Nathan Marchand

Author’s Intro: No new blog post this week, but I do have a new story to share. It’s a flash fiction prompted by an assignment in my local writers’ group to write about E.S.P. The following story is loosely based on my own life. (I’ll leave it up to you to decide which parts are “true”). 😛 Enjoy!

Pizza and a Psychic

By Nathan Marchand

            Like Garfield, I hate Mondays. Nothing happens, especially at Pizza Barn, and when you’re a delivery driver, that means no tip money and, worse yet, unending boredom. I spend my time folding boxes and oiling pans. Mundane. Menial. Mind-numbing. There’s just one problem with that: I churn out crazy ideas when I’m bored. Like answering customers’ phone calls with obviously phony names. One time on Independence Day, I answered the phone saying I was George Washington. I was disappointed the customer didn’t notice.

As I was folding what seemed like my thousandth box, the phone rang. I jogged over since no one else liked answering phones. The customer’s name and phone number flashed up on the computer screen. I pressed my thumb on the fingerprint scanner and picked up the phone.

“Thank you for calling Pizza Barn. This is Joey. How may I help you?” I droned reflexively, trying to smile (my manager says customers can “hear a smile” on the phone).

“I’d like to place an order for pick-up,” replied the woman on the phone.

Darnit. Not a delivery! I thought.

I tapped the name flashing on the screen and brought up the customer’s info.

“Is this for Smith?” I asked.

A brief pause. “Yes,” said the customer, surprised.

“Is your address 234 Main Street?”

“Yes. How did you know that?”

My boredom suddenly seized my mouth. I can’t be held responsible for what I said next.

“I’m psychic.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

Another pause. “What do I want to order?”

I figured I’d take a shot in the dark, get it wrong, and explain we have caller ID. We’d both have a good laugh, and then I’d take her order.

So, I said, “A large pepperoni pizza and an order of breadsticks with cheese.” That’s about as bland and generic an order you can get—and I learned I was dealing with an equally bland and generic customer!

“That’s right! Oh, my gosh!”

I raised my eyebrows. Talk about luck, I thought.

Ms. Smith kept raving about my E.S.P. as I keyed in her order. After a minute or so, I read back her order and gave her a total. But instead of saying goodbye, she asked me another question.

“Can you tell me my fortune? What will happen to me tonight?”

I rolled my eyes. I wanted to tell her the truth, but she sounded so earnest, I decided to humor her.

“You’ll meet the man of your dreams and win five-hundred dollars in the state lottery.”

Ms. Smith squealed. “I’ll pick up a ticket on my way to the concert tonight! Thank you!” With that, she hung up.

I didn’t think much of it the rest of the evening.

The next day, I was equally as bored folding boxes when the phone rang again. I reflexively answered, not looking at the computer screen.

“Thank you for calling Pizza Barn. This is Joey. How may I help you?”

“Joey! Thanks for answering. You were right!”

“What?!”

I looked at the screen—it was Ms. Smith.

“I won five-hundred dollars and snagged a boyfriend last night at the concert!”

“That’s…great, Miss Smith….” What else could I say?

“I told him about you, and he asked me to call you for advice before he went to the horse races today.”

“Well, um…”

News, Announcements, Books

‘Ninjas and Talking Trees’ submitted to Hades Publications

Long time, no update. My apologies, readers.

I have great news. As of last night, I completed the second draft of my fantasy/comedy novel, Ninjas and Talking Trees, and submitted it to Hades Publications, who published my first novel, Pandora’s Box, under their Absolute XPress imprint in 2010. Now I must wait and see if they are interested in publishing it.

This book tells the tale of a young accountant who is transported to an eccentric fantasy world ruled by an equally eccentric tyrant. In order to get home, he must learn “the Ways of Hero-dom” and overthrow the villain. While it isn’t a parody, per se, it does poke fun at some fantasy story stereotypes (and a few from anime/manga), and  it uses many of the genre’s archetypes for comedic effect.

You can read more about the humorous history of the story here. I also have a short story entitled “Bow to Your Sensei” that I wrote as a warm-up to the book several years ago for a blog contest. It’s posted here.

Stay tuned for more updates!

News, Announcements

My latest short story: ‘Love and Pac-Man’

I just posted a new short story a few minutes ago. It’s entitled, “Love and Pac-Man” (click the title to read it). It is the combination of a flurry of ideas.

First, after watching the original version of The Karate Kid some months ago, and seeing the scene where the protagonist, Daniel, meets the girl he likes at an arcade, I had this idea to write a story about a young man who finds love while at an arcade (this was later reinforced while watching Tron: Legacy). It’s a location almost never used in a romance story.

Second, last month’s assignment given for the Writers’ Corner, a writers’ club that meets at the North Webster Community Public Library, involved writing a story that used certain words. Each person was given a short time to write things pertaining to several categories and questions given by the club leader, Beth. Here’s the list I wrote:

Two Things That Annoy You:
-Lying
-My old laptop

Two People You Admire:
-Abraham Lincoln
-C.S. Lewis

The Names of as Many Horses as You Can Think of:
-Black Beauty
-Silver
-Seabiscuit
-Secretariat
-Quick-Draw McGraw
-Gunpodwer (Ichabod Crane’s horse in “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”)

Would You Rather Live Rural or Urban?:
-Rural

Three Things You Associate with Summer:
-Hot weather
-Blockbuster movies
-Swimming

Pay close attention, and you’ll see that I managed to work all of these into the story, which is surprisingly only 1,000 words long.

Readers who live or have lived in my area may notice a few “local references,” even though it takes place in a fictional small town. There was once a theme park in North Webster, Indiana, called Adventureland, and it did have a small roller coaster called the Wild Mouse. The name of the arcade, Tilt, was taken from an arcade that used to be at the Glenbrook Square mall in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Anyway, I read the piece at the Writers’ Corner’s meeting Monday, and everyone enjoyed it. I hope you will too.

Short Stories, Comedy, Romance

Love and Pac-Man

Love and Pac-Man
By Nathan Marchand

“I don’t wanna be here, Joey!” cried my blonde eight-year-old sister, Kay. “I wanna ride the Wild Mouse!”

I tightened my grip on her tiny hand as we walked to Adventureland’s arcade, Tilt. The stares we were getting from parents and their kids were palpable. I smiled awkwardly at some passersby and then turned my attention to Kay. “Don’t worry. We’ll ride it soon. I just want to play some of the games in here, okay? I promise I’ll buy you a stuffed Black Beauty with the tickets I win.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Pinky swear!” My sister held up her mouse-tail of a pinky.

I wrapped my, by comparison, python-like pinky around hers and swore my oath.

Instantly, Kay smiled, and said, “Okay!” With that, she released my hand and ran through the door into Tilt.

I shook my head and sighed. Maybe I was better off spending my Friday night working on my old laptop or reading a C.S. Lewis book. But someone has to watch her while Mom and Dad are out on their “date night.” That thought felt like a knife through the heart. I wish I had a date tonight. I harrumphed. At least in our tiny rural town we have a half-decent little theme park to go to. I can enjoy a bit of the hot weather this summer before I go back to college.

I pushed open the door and was greeted by a rainbow of flashing neon signs, the smell of pizza, the screaming laughter of children, musty air, and the cacophony of Donkey Kong, Street Fighter, and Mario Bros. Shouting over it was the song “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, which was blaring from the jukebox. It brought back happy childhood memories.

“Hi-ho, Silver, away!”

I looked to my right and saw a giggling Kay straddling a Lone Ranger-themed coin-operated horse ride sitting next to a Pac-Man machine.

“How’d you get that to work?” I asked.

“I found a quarter on the floor,” replied Kay, smiling coyly.

I rolled my eyes. A few seconds later, the horse stopped, and I lifted Kay off “Silver” and onto the floor. I crouched to make eye contact. “What poor boy did you charm into giving you his hard-earned money?”

Kay hung her head and wrung her hands, wearing her trademark “pouty face.”

“Spit it out, Sissy.”

Hesitantly, she pointed behind me and said, “That one.”

I looked over my shoulder. There, standing between an animatronic Abraham Lincoln and a Gunpowder arcade machine was a little brown-haired boy about her age wearing a Quickdraw McGraw T-shirt—and he was holding the hand of Sue Preor!

I gulped. My sister had just swindled money from my high school crush’s little brother!

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