The dreaded day approaches.

Yes, I’m speaking of Valentine’s Day. I’ve never liked this holiday, and for the obvious reason: I’ve never had a girlfriend during it (although, I’ve had several of them).

I could go into a long treatise about what the holiday really means, but that isn’t my purpose today. I’ve decided to use this coming week to talk about what I think makes up true romance, both in stories and in real life.. It’s not that I hate them (I’ve often been described as a “romantic”), I just can’t stand how poorly done many of them are. I won’t necessarily be writing about how to write these stories since, oddly enough, most of those techniques are present in good and bad romances (and I might possibly save it for an episode of my vlog).

My biggest gripe with romantic stories, especially modern ones, is they’re shallow or fake. Look at a typical romantic comedy movie. Two young, attractive people meet, think each other is hot, and then haphazardly try to get together, sleeping with each a few times along the way. The audience assumes these characters will live happily ever after.

It’s a lie. Or rather, a fantasy.

This rarely, if ever, works out in real life. Why? Because the love is only skin deep. The couples in these stories are riding on the emotional high of their “chemistry,” the gooey feelings they have for each other. Studies have shown these don’t last long. I guarantee you that even Rose and Jack from Titanic (the most overrated film of all time), had they both survived the sinking ship, probably wouldn’t have stayed together because they were running on temporary romantic feelings.

A related gripe I have is how unrealistically fast these relationships happen. Admittedly, this is a lesser problem, because it does happen quickly for some people in real life, and stories (especially movies) often necessitate the romances start quickly, so it’s easy to forgive. More often than not, though, it takes time to cultivate love. Then the love must stand the test of time. As I said, romantic feelings don’t last. The love must have deeper roots.

As a Christian, I’m familiar with koine Greek, one of the original languages the Bible was written in. This ancient language had at least three words for “love”: eros (sexual/physical love; from which we get the word “erotic”), phileo (friendship; the source of the name Philadelphia, which means “city of brotherly love”), and agape (unconditional love). All of these loves are legitimate and are necessary to make a lasting romance, but agape is what binds them together. This is a love not based on feelings. It is an act of the will. It is commitment. It requires a person to put the needs of whoever he loves above his own, even if he gets nothing out of it. It says, “No matter what happens, no matter what you do, even if you don’t deserve it, I will love you.”

This is the sort of love that requires suffering. That’s why many people give up on it: they don’t like to suffer. But if you love someone, you will stick by them through thick and thin. You’ll do whatever you have to for them. That’s why fairy tales resound with us. Men want to be the knight who slays the dragon and women want to be the maiden he rescues. Even The Princess Bride, as “cheesy” as it is, understands this! (And this is one reason why I think the romances I write tend to be born out of suffering).

People may say that sounds romantic, but I wonder if they would say that if they had to practice it. Many don’t. That’s why there’s a 50% divorce rate.

(I’ll stop talking like Dr. Phil now).

My point is this: romances should have more substance. They should be founded in something far deeper and much stronger and feelings. When I read or watch a romance, I want that couple to stay together forever. I want that fairy tale ending. I have to believe love can last forever. That’s why it grinds me to see such shallow romances passed off as the real thing. Maybe I’m jaded. Or maybe I understand this better than most.

Regardless, I promise you that if you ever hear me say I like a romantic story, you can bet its good.

I’ll be sharing a few of those stories the next few days. Starting with…a chick flick?!

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